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• 淡淡的纠结，适可而止的情感

  作者：知北游 发布时间：2010-09-07 09:00:13

          很细腻的一部小说，无论是语言还是情感。用现在流行的一个词来描述，就是“纠结”。敏感而心思缜密，又无法超脱，必然会“纠结”。事实上内心敏感而又做到超脱的人，自古以来，似乎只有庄子一人。即便庄周，是否真正超脱，也很难说，击缶而歌毕竟已恃于外物了。

          在建三看来，世上的事不可能得到真正的解决，对于家庭各种的事情，他的手段无非就是拖，一拖再拖，本质上这就是逃避，不想背负做出决定的责任。内心的敏感使的一切事情在他眼中都千头万绪，内心的软弱又使他难以做出决策，就这样，他一直都是自己跟自己纠缠，就这样，一天一天的挨日子。

          在对妻子的感情上，建三竟也是这样，两人不多的对话，总是很冷淡，又适可而止。双方竟是那么的默契，都知道在什么时候适可而止。这种尺度的把握，既避免了感情的决裂，也错失了感情的完全和解的机会。就这样，一次一次的欲言又止，一次一次的默然低头，他们没有完全拒绝对方，也没有完全的向对方打开。矛盾始终没有燃起，感情也没有燃起。

          当妻子癔症发作时，建三在身边守候，他内心的怜悯和无助，他手足无措，他默然的看着妻子，他内心的矛盾，这都说明建三深爱着他的妻子，他的妻子也深爱着他，似乎他们也完全理解对方，但是，这有意无意的冷淡又从何而来，为何目的呢？

          或许这就是真正的生活，真正的婚姻，敲敲打打，磕磕碰碰，适可而止。

          路边草，很好的名字。

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• 做人做事的普遍原则

  作者：Hammer_ 发布时间：2012-02-03 18:21:57

  Before we commence reading How To Win Friends And Influence People, we should first realize that this book had been written to be used to as textbook for the author's course in Effective speaking and Human relationship and it still used for today.

  So please not categorize this book as Self-help or Motivational book which often be degraded by those who unceasingly declaim how badly they hate this sort of things.

  Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem we face, especially if you are in business. Those principles can apply to all walks of people.

  If you wish to get the most out of this book, there is one indispensable requirement, one essential infinitely more important than any rule or technique. Unless you have this one fundamental requisite, a thousand rules on how to study will avail little.

  What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.

  Once you believe,that works.

  “Education,” said the author “is the ability to meet life’s situations,”

  If by the time you have finished reading the first three chapters of this book- if you aren’t then a little better equipped to meet life’s situations, then I shall consider this book to be a total failure so far as you are concerned. For “the great aim of education,” said the author, “is not knowledge but action.”

  And this is an action book :)

  ----------------------------------

  readingnote:

  第一大章：怎样赢得朋友

  原则一：永远不要去批评别人

  很精辟，我们应该转换方式，让他们自己发现，或者用一种温和，婉转的方式，反之就算是中肯的批评也是有害无利

  1.ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.

  2.Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment

    

  3.Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return or, like the gentle Taft, will say: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.

  4.每当我们想要批评别人的时候，想想这句话：“I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have”Judge not, that ye be not judged

  5.最真诚的忠告------勿责人，常思已过：Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous. “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”

  6.每个人都是感性的动物：When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

  7.我们应该做的：Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

  ------------------------------

  原则二 如何与人打交道---Give honest and sincere appreciation

  1、（有道理！）There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way.

  2.每个人都得到赞扬啊：The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals

  3. 赞扬和奉承的区别：The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out,the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish,the other selfish. One is universally admired, the other universally condemned.

  4.多点发自内心的感激，别吝啬对我们爱的人的赞扬：When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth

  5. 真的是这样呢：Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime -repeat them years after you have forgotten them

  ------------------------------------------

  原则三. 去谈论人家感兴趣的事----Arouse in the other person an eager want

  1.少谈自己，谈大家的兴趣和利益所在：So the only way cm earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want? but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.（销售的人应该学学，学会从他人的角度看问题）

  2.If out of reading this book you get just one thing- an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

  3、我们的目的不是为了操纵人，而是实现双赢：Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment

  ----------------------------------

  第二大章：怎样让人喜欢你

  原则一：Become genuinely interested in other people--对他人感兴趣

  1.If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people -things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness

  2.If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology

  -------------------

  原则二：经常微笑

  1.Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them. A baby’s smile has the same effect

  2.A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless -that there is joy in the world.

  --------------------------------

  原则三：记住别人的名字

  Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

  ----------------------

  原则四： 做一个好的听众，让别人去谈论自己（Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves）

  So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

  Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation

  ---------------------

  原则五：谈别人感兴趣的事（Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. ）

  -----------------------

  原则六：承认对方的优点和对自己的重要性（Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely）

  The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. Remember what Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.

  -------------------------------

  第三大章：How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

  原则一：避免和人辩论，因为你永远不会赢---这个，偶觉得还是方式的问题，不过还是尽量避免好了，因为没啥意义啊！：）The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

  You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it,and if you win it, you lose it. Why?Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot This argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis.Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still

  If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes, but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good wil

  -----------------

  独立一段，关于怎样应对argument的建议：

  一 不同的见解是有益的：Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.

  二：(别相信你的第一直觉印象--适用于异见）Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best

  三（控制你的脾气）Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.

  四：求同存异：Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which

  you agree.

  五：诚实： Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your

  opponents and reduce defensiveness.

  六：Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

  七：感谢你的对手：Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.

  八：给点时间给对方（很重要，很多时候回头看，会觉得当时狠傻，没必要为这问题吵，也从另一方面得出，和人去争论什么，真的没啥意义）Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem

  ---------------------------

  原则二：别告诉别人自己比他们要高明

  这段狠有哲理，别证明自己比其他人聪明，就算知道，也别告诉他

  That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start. It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself? If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.

  This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

  Over three hundred years ago Galileo said: You cannot teach a man anything? you can only help him to find it within himself.

  As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: Be wiser than other people if you can? but do not tell them so.

  （勇于承认错误是最对的）You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong

  ------------

  原则三：勇于认错

  When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results? but, believe it or not, it is a lot more

  fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

  Remember the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

  ----------------

  原则四：以友好的方式开始 Begin in a friendly way.

  --------------

  原则五： Get the other person saying “yes, yes”

  ------------------------

  原则六：Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

  （这里和上面有点重复了，其实这里有很多原则是共通的）

  ----------------

  原则七：Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

  卡内基是个中国通，他引用了好多中国古代的谚语和道德经的东西：

  " The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them, wishing to be before them, he put himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight,though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”

  海纳百川，有容乃大

  ------------------------------

  如果仅仅把这书当做是快餐书，励志书，成功学，

  真的很可惜，

  这书流传这么久真有它的道理，一些自以为是的“读书人”可能不屑看这类书，替他们遗憾。

  一本值得反复看的经典之作，最重要是去实践上述的原则，

  要记住：“This is an action book.”

  2012.2.3

  By Hammer

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• 读老札记

  作者：向日葵 发布时间：2009-12-30 22:06:11

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• 猜猜我有多爱你？

  作者：eyescoffee 发布时间：2005-12-11 16:18:59

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• 东亚列国时代的福建王国

  作者：Fal Conde 发布时间：2019-11-27 21:08:30

  市面高头虽然各类“断代史”汗牛充栋，但关于十国个历史却寥寥无几。即便有，大部分也是同南唐、前后蜀个文艺君主相关，彰显不痛不痒“玩物丧志”误国，以图同柴荣、赵匡胤之流“雄主”进行对比个老生常谈。至于关于“闽国”个历史著作，基本就是闻所未闻。对这段历史个了解，基本也就止于听闻过王审知个名号，以及晓得伊拉灭亡辰光畀三家瓜分个尴尬结局。因此在贵蛋旁边志达书店瞄到此书后，想也未想就入手叻，两天读下来，对闽的历史也算有了一些基本了解，在此记录，以备遗忘。

  1、环境：半开化的亚热带地区

  9世纪末10世纪初的福建，虽早非被中原人当成岛屿的绝域，但也远非是后世那个秀才进士辈出，儒家文化深入人心（虽然仍远不如江左和江右）的尊师重教之邦。这片地处热带和亚热带混杂的湿润土地，三面由崇山峻岭阻隔，生活着大量在长江流域都已经开始少见的大象、鳄鱼以及老虎。

  

  闽国行政区划，此时闽主要分为福州、建州、汀州、泉州、漳州五个部分

  此时的福建，大多数聚落集中在从建州到福州的闽江沿岸，而后世逐渐后来居上的闽南地区，此时虽然已经随着泉州的逐渐开发人口缓慢增加，但在9世纪末时尚无法与闽北地区相提并论。其实，也正是在闽国统治时期，泉州作为三王流民家族的根据地和大本营，才逐渐发展起来，直至有了两宋时期的辉煌。

  2、经济：逐渐拓展的农田和日趋繁荣的外贸

  后世福建一直被认为是地狭人稠的所在，然而在唐末情况显然并非如此。姑且不论还在山中未能汉化的百越土著，即便是在有限的山间谷地和平原间，仍然有大量可供开耕的田地存在。北宋初期闽地以出产优质稻谷出名，和后世大量人口过剩，移民海外，形成鲜明对比。

  支撑福建经济的主要内生动力是处女地的开拓。在闽国统治时期，汀州的矿产得到开拓，后世这篇畲族（汉化后为客家）进入的土地，此时尚作为王氏家族的聚宝盆，年复一年的位这个奢靡的王朝提供挥霍的资本。闽国的金银器物在五代时期的中原文人笔下带有一种异域感，显得富贵而又神秘。

  

  泉州的繁荣是五代打下的基础

  与之相比，外贸起到的推动性更为强健。闽地面向大海的外向特征在大一统时期会成为帝国重点盯防对象，但在闽国自主时期，便成为此地发展外贸的良好工具。闽国时代，从泉州、福州出发前往东洋、南洋的贸易船只络绎不绝，王审知本人就十分重视福州港口的修造。闽国的商人在这一时期出没于占城、真腊和高丽的港口，这种国际化的通商心态和开放性，为未来的泉州港繁荣奠定了良好的基础。正如杭州的繁荣奠基于吴越国时代，泉州的繁荣也并非宋的功劳，无外乎是对闽国德性的一种释放罢了。

  3、王氏家族：一个典型十国皇族的兴起和内斗

  

  王审知现在在福建也广受崇拜

  虽然福建的地理环境很适合建立一个单独的证券（当然，在大一统看来也可以理解为“割据”证券），但在闽越上古覆灭于汉帝国之后，此地直到千年之后，才较为意外的由一群来自河南的白丁流民军事集团建立了新的证券。闽国的开国三人王潮、王审卦、王审知均来自光州（现在的河南信阳），其依附军事集团流动劫掠，并在此过程中形成生死与共共同体的路径，同在湖南建立楚国的马殷基本如出一辙。这一家族在9世纪末流入福建后，以泉州为根据地，在10年内攻灭盘踞福州的其他军阀，进而统一了八闽之地。

  同大部分十国的同侪一样，初代先主的统治总意味着休养生息和“善事中原”带来的短期红利。而之后则不可避免的落入锦衣玉食二代目、三代目的自甘堕落的过程。王审知之后闽国的诸多王姓子孙自相残杀的故事足以写就数十本夜宴，不用一一赘述。

  4、本土认同：闽地同长江国家的差异之处

  

  福建自古同长江流域及更北就关系较远，这种疏离感主要是地理原因导致

  比较特别之处在于，虽然祖先来自中原，但闽国自二代目上位开始，自我叙述和认同就明显和南汉趋同，而不再类似于自己的同位面马楚。王审知之子王延翰就在即位之后不久拿出《史记》昭示群臣，以上面不记载闽地诸王生平为由，声称闽自古不属于“X国”。并以此为依据称帝。之后的闽国虽然在称帝和称王之间多次反复，但在对待北方的态度上其实意志体现出类似南汉的那种疏离感，这种疏离感是长江流域那些依然纠结于帝国正统叙事的王国们所不具备的。

  也正是基于这一点，闽在对待五代“正统”中原证券辰光虽然也像吴越一样朝贡，但不仅频率低得多，而且经常带有一些嘲弄意味在内。比如在940年代，内乱不已的闽派使臣出使后晋辰光，就轻慢的当着后晋朝堂的面调侃后晋得位不正，要求用平等礼仪，而非藩属礼仪接待自家，虽然后来以被扣押认错了事，但也能够从中看出，闽对于老大帝国已然是相当不在乎了。

  5、多元外交：闽国在多国体系中的灵活手腕和由此带来的红利

  

  多国体系中的闽国和其他国家

  由于闽远离中原当局，且本身对于外界野心不大，导致其成为9世纪中前期南方一个重要的多国体系平衡手。闽的主要敌人是杨吴和后续的南唐，但两者的关系远非吴越和南唐那样你死我活，多数时候维持在一个冷战的氛围当中（南唐要利用闽制衡吴越）。为了反制淮南证券的威压，闽同吴越、马楚、南汉都建立了较为平等，稳定的外交关系，除了南汉标志性的自寻不爽进攻过闽，导致两国一度不和之外，闽的外交体系称得上十分成功，并且同吴越、南汉的王室均进行了联姻。这在东亚这种讲究宗藩体制和威压的等级制度下，也算得上少见的时代案例（对比一下欧洲和日本就数不胜数这类联姻，本身是贵族和多国制度的特征）。

  闽的这种多元外交，在很大程度上帮助其在内乱不已的情况下长时期延续了统治。事实上，从王继鹏被非正常杀死开始，闽的有效统治就差不多将要行将就木，但南唐和吴越出于各自利益的考量，均更期望维持一个缓冲国的存在，直到王氏家族的统治开始在福州受到越来越多的众叛亲离，失去了统治基础之后，他们的不肖后代才被南唐、吴越和闽南的前属下们一一接管。相比于自相残杀，外国人对待闽国王室显然较为客气，无论是在南京还是在杭州乃或泉州，王氏后代都算得上衣食无忧，国破的悔恨早已烟消云散了。

  6、崇佛重道：闽地信仰体系化的大发展

  

  闽国对佛教在闽地传播有重大推动作用

  闽人向好鬼神，王审知在建立闽国时很识趣的接纳了这种本土化做法，大肆修造佛庙，到10世纪中期，闽地有寺庙将近400座，成为不亚于吴越的佛教兴旺地区。道教的地位虽然不如佛教，但在某些时期内也受到统治者的垂青，一些道士甚至获得了类似国师的身份，能够参与朝政的直接指定。与之相比，儒教的地位延续了晚唐的颓势，肉食者对这种法术兴趣不大，经常将训斥自己的大臣礼送回老家，眼不见心不烦。这当然也成为了许多儒士后来攻击、抹黑闽国统治者的一个由头，现存史料中对王审知之后统治者的记载不出“荒淫”“铺张”“荒唐”之类的贬义帽子，大概有这重因素在内。

  当然，在这一时期，同所有肉食者一样，王审知们也大搞对自家的崇拜，并且通过宗教，加强“神权天授”的合法性宣称。后来闽地对他老的崇拜，大概和他自家的推动，也是分不开的。

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  本书于写作于1960年代、属于薛爱华早期作品（严格意义上第一部学术著作）。虽然作者在书中已经展示出了其后来标志性的博物学写作特征和全方位、总体的全景视角，然而受制于文字史料本身的局限性以及作者力图避免大一统视角和中原中心论而带来的审慎和取舍，使得本来宏大的框架下的叙述略显凌乱和苍白，对比他两部汗牛充栋的大著作《撒马尔罕的金桃》或者《朱雀》来，在体量上明显不足，对于企图通过本书完全、彻底了解，深入挖掘闽国历史的读者而言，可能会略有失望。

  然而，从播种和本土视角出发，本书却是意义重大，这种基于非中原视角的历史书写避免了传统大一统历史观念下以“善事中国”与否出发，对十国进行非黑即白轻蔑描写带来的脸谱化弊端，不仅填补了英语世界对这段被忽视历史的研究空白，对于福建的本土历史研究而言，也有借鉴意义。诚然这个由流民建立的小王国即便在十国当中也既不强大也不显眼，但在闽地的千年发展，文化认同和地方发展史，这段历史的重要性都是举足轻重的。

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